God Will Use This One Day for His Glory

All six white-jacket eyes stared intently in the direction of her bed, directly at her. It was a bizarre scene upon waking and a quite uncomfortable one at that. It played out like a well-written movie script, this face-off with the white coats, and it occurred just a few hours after birthing her precious child.

It was the sobbing, heaving-shoulders breakdown that called forth this encounter with the white jackets. The dam had broken a few, short weeks prior during one of her final trimester visits to the OB clinic. The work of fear’s strong whack! cracked the dam and ushered in a crying scene of great proportions as she sat on the examining table at the small, Naval clinic. She couldn’t catch her breath, sobbing as she worried that she might find herself in the same position again, facing the potential to hurt herself or her child. She had visited the horror-filled room of postpartum mental challeges before and didn’t want to revisit it…ever. Little did she recognize that fear was helping her relive it on a near daily basis in the cluttered corners of her mind. This dam break was simply evidence of that which had been there all along: fear. All the while, the darkness was busy bellowing, “It’ll likely happen again! Get ready.” 

In that small Naval clinic exam room, a counselor of sorts entered and encouragingly shared the words, “God will use this one day for His glory.” She saw the battle as well as the potential. I, on the other hand, saw nothing but fear.

At the time it was impossible to see how this tumultuous and darkened snapshot of life could be used for His glory. The previous experience scared me silly, and embarrassment, I’m sad to say, filled the reservoir of my thoughts. How irrational was that?! Hardly a soul knew about it, yet I was ashamed and embarrassed in my own dark, little world. Fear loves to “steal” us and our future by keeping us quiet and alone, doesn’t it? (I have been a champion at “doing it alone” in the past. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Let others in, let Jesus in. That’s when healing begins.)

Specific thoughts about harming our beautiful child pounded away at my sanity on a regular basis as did paranoia. I always described it as though a little devil was sitting on my shoulder, suggesting, with pinpoint accuracy, how to hurt this precious masterpiece of God. The battle was heated! Sadly, another mother in a nearby state did succumb and murdered her own child, using the very same tactic that went against all good and Godly sense.

I don’t recall what this woman’s position at the clinic was, other than encourager extraordinaire for a sobbing, shoulders heaving, thirty-eight weeks pregnant gal. Pani was her name. I’ll never forget it. (Although, I’m not certain the spelling is correct.) She was hope to me on that day and keeps a special spot in this heart yet today. She spoke life onto these dry bones. She took a dark spot and shed the light of Christ on it in the heat of a battle. She reminded me that our Lord could make something beautiful out of the nastiness I was facing. Pani reminded me that I wasn’t defined by the fear; I was defined by the very hand that made me: God.

Not long after that sobbing session, and shortly after our child’s birth, God answered my prayers surrounding this fear. At that point, I knew that if I were to make a million more babies (move over Michelle Duggard!), I would NEVER face that type of postpartum darkness again.

And I didn’t.

Praise God, all glory to Him. 

Please hear me now, child of God. Can I be your Pani? Whether you are facing postpartum challenges or some other challenge, God can one day, in YOUR situation, use this for His glory. You are not defined by fear; you are defined by the very One who made you: God.

The one who desires to see you stuck in the cold, dark corner of shame and embarrassment doesn’t have your best interest at heart. He’s there to see you, your potential, your faith, or your future killed, stolen, or destroyed.

God desires to see you walking in victory because the battle has already been won. His perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18) Period.