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Update 2/12/15: Joining others today at #livefree Thursday. Feel free to join us and be encouraged.
She awoke from a deep sleep to find three white jackets, quiet as mice, sitting in the hospital chairs across the room from her. Their official-looking notepads and pens were laying idle, their hands settled on their laps or placed gently in their pockets. Notably, one of the white jackets was a brown-haired female, much smaller in stature than the male counterparts that flanked her on either side.
All six white-jacket eyes stared intently in the direction of her bed, directly at her. It was a bizarre scene upon waking and a quite uncomfortable one at that. It played out like a well-written movie script, this face-off with the white coats, and it occurred just a few hours after birthing her precious child.
God will use this one day for His glory.
It was the sobbing, heaving-shoulders breakdown that called forth this encounter with the white jackets. The dam had broken a few, short weeks prior during one of her final trimester visits to the OB clinic. The work of fear’s strong whack! cracked the dam and ushered in a crying scene of great proportions as she sat on the examining table at the small, Naval clinic. She couldn’t catch her breath, sobbing as she worried that she might find herself in the same position again, facing the potential to hurt herself or her child. She had visited the horror-filled room of postpartum mental challeges before and didn’t want to revisit it…ever. Little did she recognize that fear was helping her relive it on a near daily basis in the cluttered corners of her mind. This dam break was simply evidence of that which had been there all along: fear. All the while, the darkness was busy bellowing, “It’ll likely happen again! Get ready.”
But fear lies.
And the father of lies is Satan.
And Satan comes to kill, steal, and destroy. (John 10:10)
In that small Naval clinic exam room, a counselor of sorts entered and encouragingly shared the words, “God will use this one day for His glory.” She saw the battle as well as the potential. I, on the other hand, saw nothing but fear.
At the time it was impossible to see how this tumultuous and darkened snapshot of life could be used for His glory. The previous experience scared me silly, and embarrassment, I’m sad to say, filled the reservoir of my thoughts. How irrational was that?! Hardly a soul knew about it, yet I was ashamed and embarrassed in my own dark, little world. Fear loves to “steal” us and our future by keeping us quiet and alone, doesn’t it? (I have been a champion at “doing it alone” in the past. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Let others in, let Jesus in. That’s when healing begins.)
But our Lord comes that we might have life, and have it abundantly. (John 10:10)
Specific thoughts about harming our beautiful child pounded away at my sanity on a regular basis as did paranoia. I always described it as though a little devil was sitting on my shoulder, suggesting, with pinpoint accuracy, how to hurt this precious masterpiece of God. The battle was heated! Sadly, another mother in a nearby state did succumb and murdered her own child, using the very same tactic that went against all good and Godly sense.
I don’t recall what this woman’s position at the clinic was, other than encourager extraordinaire for a sobbing, shoulders heaving, thirty-eight weeks pregnant gal. Pani was her name. I’ll never forget it. (Although, I’m not certain the spelling is correct.) She was hope to me on that day and keeps a special spot in this heart yet today. She spoke life onto these dry bones. She took a dark spot and shed the light of Christ on it in the heat of a battle. She reminded me that our Lord could make something beautiful out of the nastiness I was facing. Pani reminded me that I wasn’t defined by the fear; I was defined by the very hand that made me: God.
God will one day use this for His glory.
Not long after that sobbing session, and shortly after our child’s birth, God answered my prayers surrounding this fear. At that point, I knew that if I were to make a million more babies (move over Michelle Duggard!), I would NEVER face that type of postpartum darkness again.
And I didn’t.
Praise God, all glory to Him.
Please hear me now, child of God. Can I be your Pani? Whether you are facing postpartum challenges or some other challenge, God can one day, in YOUR situation, use this for His glory. You are not defined by fear; you are defined by the very One who made you: God.
He, not fear, knows the plans He has for you, and they’re guh-oood. (Jeremiah 29:11)
The one who desires to see you stuck in the cold, dark corner of shame and embarrassment doesn’t have your best interest at heart. He’s there to see you, your potential, your faith, or your future killed, stolen, or destroyed.
God desires to see you walking in victory because the battle has already been won. His perfect love casts out all fear. (1 John 4:18) Period.
So Father, I pray for the ones that see this, that need this. Lord, I lift them up to You and praise Your holy name for the plans You have for them. I give You glory in this battle and lift Your name in praise. Your perfect love casts out all fear, so I pray for their minds, their thoughts, and I pray that all fear would be cast out. Where fear empties, replace it with love, Loving God. In Jesus’ mighty and powerful name, Amen.
So thankful that today your are #LivingFree of that fear! Praise His Holy name! Thank you for sharing your beautiful story Kristi!
Oh Ellen, me too. Me too! For His glory… 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
So many need to hear this word! Thank you for sharing your honest story and the faith that rose above fear. <3
For His glory. 🙂 ALL our stories…for His glory. Thank you, Suzie.
Thank you for your encouraging words today Kristi that remind me God will use this for His glory! Have a great weekend, Kim Stewart (fellow Compel sister)
http://www.kimstewartinspired.com