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A Baby Changed Everything
(But Not in the Way You Might Think)
I never imagined that I would be anything else but a mother. It never dawned on me that I might not be able to have children when the time came. I just figured I would get married, decide the time was right, start our family and be on our merry way to a happy life.
But as the negative pregnancy tests began to plague me each month, I started to dread that it was not going to be that simple. A knot of anxiety formed in my stomach that would continue to grip me in the coming years. As all of my friends began to grow their families, and my younger sister was surprised by her first pregnancy, my womb continued to remain as empty as my heart.
Failed attempt after failed attempt.
The questions swirled around in my head. Why?! Why are there so many unwanted pregnancies in the world, but then those like me who want babies more than anything, are denied the privilege? Why is this my fate? How can I magically fix this?
As the years went on, my questions remained unanswered. I don’t think I can fully explain with words the despair that I felt. For 4 years we had tried everything from Clomid to thermometers and everything in between.
Sex became less and less of a beautiful thing. Our marriage suffered.
The way we saw it we only had 3 options left: in-vitro fertilization, adoption, or never become parents. Option 3 was still out of the question, but I was so tired – tired of the mood swings, the timed sex, the weight gain, the depression. If we were going to shell out some serious money, I was leaning toward adoption.
Then the call came.
One of my closest friends was going into labor, and her husband was hunched over the toilet with the stomach flu. With a little desperation in her voice, she asked if I would take her to the hospital.
Of course, I quickly reorganized my morning and came to her rescue. What an honor to be the one to hold her hand as the contractions came, to talk her through the pain until the glorious relief of the epidural kicked in.
Just before the baby came her husband did arrive. They kept him on oxygen to keep the nausea at bay. I stepped back out of the way, wondering if I should just wait in the hallway now that he was here. But as her labor progressed and the baby’s head was crowning, he noticed me in the corner and said, “Do you want to see this?”
Honestly, I said, “I don’t know, do I?” It was such a personal intimate thing, it almost felt wrong to be invited. But as I came closer and watched this baby come into the world, watched as my friends cried over their new little bundle of joy, something in my heart exploded. I knew in that moment that somehow, someway my husband and I were going to experience the joy of childbirth.
It was not time to give up on our dream.
As I left that hospital room, the feeling of holding that tiny baby in my arms lingered. There was this surreal fog that seemed to surround me the entire drive home. I could not get to my husband fast enough to share with him the feelings that were coursing through me.
“I just saw a baby being born!!” I kept repeating that phrase over and over in my head to make sure it was real. That day, the decision was made that in-vitro was our next course of action.
That phone call from my friend came 17 years ago.
And what I see now astounds me.
Our in-vitro story is one for another time, but I have 3 awesome kids: two boys ages 15 & 13 and a girl who is 11.
My friends, experiences, ministries, and relationships have mostly been a direct result of how old my kids were at the time. If it had all happened my way, my life would have been completely different. THEIR lives would have been completely different, or maybe not even have existed. I don’t know what that life would have looked like, but this is the life God chose for us and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
His ways are so much higher than my ways.
He has purposed all of it “for such a time as this.” I think that is why the story of Esther resonates with me so much.
God has already written our story. He will use the things of this fallen world to grow and shape us like nothing else can.
I did not have an “ah-ha” moment during our struggle.
There was no magic formula to make it all better.
But as God became my rock during some of the darkest years of my life, I learned that being held by Him is the very best place to be.
About Terah ~
I am California grown but Florida planted. I now know that loving God and being IN love with God are two totally different things. The man I married is my best friend. Why I said no to scruff on his face for the past 24 years is beyond me. Three amazing kids call me “Mom” and I’m only taller then one of ’em. Mission aviation flexibility, endlessly shopping for homeschool curriculum, and yes, even a good cry during Army Wives are just a few of my first-world problems. For me, writing is right up there with breathing, especially when there is a Vanilla Chai Latte in my hand.
Connect with Terah here:
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