Am I a good little girl? Late into the night he creeps and opens up my door he hurts me in a bad, bad way I do not want no more.
Jesusdo you love me?
Will you stay close by, for if he should come tonight it is in you that I will hide.
This was the prayer of a nine year old little girl’s heart. For many years she lived under the hand ofa predator she called“Dad,” who abused her often, but from the outside, this family was well groomed and very much liked, a leader in the church and well known in the community.
Year after year her body grew, but her little heart remained tired and afraid trying to hold on to her faith. He used her anyway he could to meet his needs and demanded forgiveness when his deeds were done.
Through the years she found ways to disappear in her mind.
She’d dream of sunflower fields and running toward the river in her white tattered dress. It was a place where she could sit and let the cool water trickle over her toes. She would pick dandelions, and closing her eyes tightly, she would blow her wish to the blue, velvet sky, only to return to the dark room filled with pain and sorrow.
She learned to smile, act happy, and be polite. But deep in her heart she tended a garden filled with bitter roots and weeds of hatred.
Eventually she was abandoned by her mother and left to raise a little sister and an older brother that she desperately tried to protect from her secrets. She could never imagine a way out, but she always asked God if one day, just maybe, he would come for her.
That one day came in the form of a husband who was kind and gentle and loved her deeply.
She looked in the mirror and saw that she had grown into a lovely woman, but her heart was heavy and the soil was hard as she tried to break through and give love back.
Her constant cry was, “God do you love me?
Will you help me?
Will you heal me?”
She began to look into her heart at the bitter garden and wondered if there was a God in Heaven? Where was he in the middle of all her pain?
So began the journey of healing. The road was long and hard but it was on this road that she found out just how faithful God really was.
Her family grew and her struggle for wholeness and healing became her every breath. Every morning she reached into her heart, unlocked the door, and asked God if today he would come and bring light to her darkness. Everyday she was given a choice, she must let go of all she had known and trust that God would not only bring healing, but he would restore the life that was taken all those years ago.
She began to see glimpses of healing in the joy she found looking into the eyes of her three little girls as they played. Knowing she would never ever let anyone hurt them the way she had been hurt.
She embraced truth the day her little boy reached up to touch her face.Looking deep into her eyes he whispered, ” You’re my bestest mommy.”
How did I get here? she wondered, touching his cheeks so softly. God, please don’t stop healing me. Please keep bringing your voice of truth and break the lies spoken over me.
About Jamie~ I am a daughter of the King, a lover of the one true God. He is my salvation, my Hope, and my Redeemer. I am the wife of one very handsome man, mama of four almost all adult kiddos, and grandma of two amazing, little people. I love the ocean, coffee shops, and good friends that provoke me to godliness. My heart’s passion is to watch God transform the lives of women, giving them beauty for ashes.
When God comes to you, he comes with hope of transformation, so rise up daughters of the most high. It’s time to come alive. ~ Jamie
Feel free to join Jamie at Peace, Lavender and the Sea, on Facebook, or in an email at email@example.com.